Thursday, July 19, 2012

Saying good-bye, a handful at a time

Today I awoke with a major feeling of needing to let go of (some) of Roxy's ashes. I'm still trying to search for a reason why today had a major push with it, but all I can come up with is that 19 is my favorite I'm going with it. And sometimes you just can't explain these things, so today was the day! I woke up and had my oatmeal (that I am now mixing with honey, so for now, it's quite yummy!) After I cleaned up the "kitchen" I gathered up a few things: her ashes, a scoop that I use for them, a couple of stones, my sage, a lighter, the bear spray and my camera, but that's a given. I walked around, stood & stared, walked around some more until I found the perfect spot for my angel. I wanted it to be a spot that I would remember, a spot near our site (so she will always be close to us), and something that would give her some sun but more shade...because that's what she liked. I found the perfect tree just below our site that I had to walk down to the base of (hence the bear spray), but it perches up to the front side of our spot. It is perfect. I walked down to her tree and collected 10 big rocks and 10 smaller rocks. I dug a pretty deep hole, so her ashes weren't just sitting on-top of the dirt. I wanted her to be embedded back into the Earth from which she came from. I made a circle with the 10 big rocks then I placed one of the stones I chose for this at the very bottom of the hole & then placed most of her remaining ashes on-top. Before placing her Rose Quartz on her remains I lit some sage and waved it over top of her, saying a prayer and letting her know what a blessing she was to me. I placed her Rose Quartz in the center of the pile, covered it with dirt and placed the 10 smaller rocks on top. The 10 big rocks in the circle around the pile symbolizes the day she passed away (05-10-2009). The 10 smaller rocks on-top symbolize two things; One~ how many years we spent together & Two~ the birthday we never got to celebrate, which she would have been 10 on June 6, 2009.

[caption id="attachment_187" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Sending her back to Mother Earth[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_188" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Her site shall always be remembered[/caption]

Some people (probably NOT dog people) think it's kind of crazy to be soo emotional over a dog. Roxy Love was not just a dog to me though. She was my best friend, my companion, my soul mate, my partner in crime, my heart, at times she was like a 'mother' for me. I got her when I was just a baby myself, was almost about to turn 19, we raised each other & helped one another grow up. We took care of each other. I remember when I was single and living alone and only about 22-23 years old, I didn't have enough money to feed myself sometimes, but she always got fed, even if it was a can of green beans and rice...she got fed. She made me realize there's more to this world than what everyone makes you believe. When my friends stayed out drinking until 2-3:00 in the morning, I made sure to go home to feed her, let her out and be home for her. My friends always used to say, she's just a dog, she's not like a kid or something...but to me, she was just that, my kid, and so much more. When she passed away it was a major shock to my system. I felt numb for a really long time, I felt lost. I felt like everything I knew that was right, honest and pure had just been taken from me. Of course I didn't think it was fair. I had planned on being with this dog for at least 5 more years...most likely more than that. She was very healthy and whenever I took her to the vet, they always told me she had the bones & muscles of a 4 year old, which was good. She was as healthy as a puppy!! What happened was since she was Beagle/Hound mix she had those hunting instincts. I woke up, at 4:30 a.m., to my mom (we were staying with her at the time) in a panicked voice, "Something is wrong with Roxy." Well motherly instincts kicked in and I jumped out of bed and ran to where she was in the backyard. There she was standing over a dead Mole swaying back and forth, she was really out of it. With my whole family having dogs our whole lives, my mom said to just try and give her water and see how it goes throughout the day. We put a sheet on another bed (just in case of her being sick) and she just laid there all day, barely touching her water. My moms dogs laid with her on the bed (2 huge black labs), they sensed it. The next day, she seemed to be doing better. We went on a walk and she was having a hard time keeping up, that worried me. When we got back, J' had tossed her part of a chip that he was eating and she turned away. This dog NEVER turned any type of food away...that's when we took her to the vet. They ran tests on her and did blood work and to make another long story very short, it came back she had Hemangiosarcoma ~Blood Cancer, it is very rapid and arises from the lining of the blood vessels. They told me they thought the Mole had poison in it, (being in Florida, Moles are a huge problem so people stick poison down the holes to kill them, it came up in my mom's yard, Roxy killed it and ingested poison as well). That was on Cinco de Mayo 2009. Five days later, she was gone...I will bare all of us that story. That day and the following weeks were the hardest of my life. She was the closest thing to me that I had ever known. It's been really hard to part with her ashes, although I already know that her soul was gone before we even made it to the vet that last day. I guess I felt I couldn't part with them, for if I did I wouldn't have her at all anymore....but I figured it was time. It's been three years now since she passed and I want her to be totally whole and free and back where she belongs...with the Energy of Mother Nature. I don't want to hold any of her back, she was amazing to me and hopefully is now or will be able to bring that joy to someone else.

I can't say enough about this amazing spirit that I was blessed to walk through life with for 10 years. She 'raised' me into a fine young woman and my life will never be the same again.
Monkey Face Monkey Face, I love yoooouuuu... Yes I dooooo!!!

These were taken about two years ago, she will forever remain a part of me...and no one ever said I had cute feet, so....

[caption id="attachment_172" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Wincing in the most dreadful pain[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_173" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Outline for my monkey's tattoo[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_174" align="aligncenter" width="225"] The best thing to make my foot beautiful! It's gorgeous!![/caption]

And then of course more pictures of my girl

[caption id="attachment_177" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Staring competition[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_178" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Momma hanging with her babies: Roxy & Remy[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_179" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Roxy helping the girls carve pumpkins...or eat them![/caption]



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