There's not enough room in Joon for anymore baggage!

So we all know by now that I've been feeling a little down, a little cray cray, just emotional all together. I think I've had some good reasons and appropriate reactions to certain things I have dealt with my whole life and yet again this week. I'm just gonna throw it all out there because it's been weighing on my mind and I'm sick of it so here it goes...

I don't understand how some people can sit and preach to others about self-less love, unselfish love, being true to your family and sooo many other things when they have no concept of what this actually means. Just because you read a book, doodle in a workbook and have seen a couple of videos does not make you an expert on any of this. I truly believe to be able to act these things out, you have to actually practice them...not just think they are a good idea and tell some people about it and make it look like you do this all the time. The people that really, truly know you...know you are full of shit and it's all just a front. Maybe these 'all-loving' people are just delusional and actually think other people believe what they are saying, but the truth always comes out in the end and so does your true identity.

Take this real-life example from yours truly...

Let's say I have a couple of people in my family...we'll say a man and a woman he married. Let's say he has 4 children, 3 of them being from one mother and one being from the woman he married.....following? The lives of these 4 children have all been very different due to the way they were raised, although the one child (from the man and the woman) has been raised as a King. Now in no way is this child to blame for this, he was just born into this world, but from that day he has gotten everything he ever wanted, ever desired and showered with all of the love and attention a child should have. The other three children grew up watching this, feeling heartbreak, feeling unloved, learning many valuable lessons...some they should have never learned the ways that they did. They grew up feeling love from their mother along with others, but always longing for the same love he was given. Was there something wrong with these girls? What did they do wrong? As the girls grew into women they learned this was not something they could control...this would always be, just how it is. One of the girls had brought this and many other things to a head in face to face conversations as well as telephone calls, this girl was just so tired of being lied to, of being second best, of being manipulated and deceived by people that were supposed to love her. At the end of every conversation and after many tears, things seemed to be all out on the table...nothing was left unsaid and things were going to change! Yeah, right. The only thing that ever seemed to change was they just got better at lieing, keeping things from the girls and being hurtful. He still gets things when things seem to be rough on their end. Now to cut to the chase, we all know I'm talking about me and a part of my family. I don't know how a man can pick and choose certain bits of his family but not everything. How do you choose to do for one child and not the other three? Yes, us girls have gotten some good fragments here and there but in the end it always comes with a price...something is always held over our heads for the nice thing daddy has done....as long as we don't tell her about it, she can never know. Let me ask all of you out there, no matter how old you are...If you had a child in need of something, be it a blanket, a bicycle, or maybe even (sisters) recent car accident repairs and you had the money...would you help your child (giving that they are not taking advantage of you)? Now... let's just say that you're on a tight budget meaning that sending this stuff would be a bit harder to do, understandable right! Now, if you were on a tight budget you probably wouldn't be spending the money you do have on a surprise cruise for one of your other children and their girlfriends...would you? Didn't think so. The thing is folks, I don't want anything material from anybody not even them. All I have asked for is respect. The respect that you don't lie to me, the respect that you don't manipulate me or deceive me. All I have ever wanted is to be treated with respect and loved....treat us the way you treat him. You would think this would not be a very hard thing to give, especially to your own children, but I guess it's hard to give to 4 children so you decide to just give everything to that one.

I have tried to look past the pain I have felt. I have tried to push it down and away like it never happened. The thing is, it keeps happening and I just don't think I have anything else to give. I'm spent man. I've given, I've taken away, I've come back, I've tried and tried and tried. Some how, some way it happens again and again. At some point I have to blame myself for putting myself in a situation that always hurts me no matter how hard I try for it not to. I have tried to be the peacemaker of my family for years, trying to be 'good' with everyone, never having beef between me and anyone else but I just don't think I can do it anymore. I do truly love my father and I know he loves me, it's just not an equal love. I have to take charge of my own life and my feelings. I'm the only one that can control what I put into my life and it's a very hard thing to do. It sucks that all I ever wanted was a father that loved me, that would protect me, that respected me, would never hurt me and wouldn't give me up for anything...but someone else got that instead, for that I envy him.  I hope one day they really truly find that self-less love they are always preaching to everyone around them about. It's not easy being a good person all the time, none of us are perfect...me especially but at the same time I don't go around acting like I am either. I know there's unselfish love for anyone and everyone and even though I haven't and probably will never get the 'love' from pieces and parts of my life I have longed for... I have love surrounding me from my husband and the family we have built together, other parts of my family and perfect strangers that have become a big part of my life. For those certain people and others I haven't even come into contact with yet...Thank you, you don't know how much your love means to me.

There is still a lot of 'ME' work to do and there always will be, it's part of being a normal human being.  It's a good lesson learned...treat people how you yourself want to be treated. Everyone deserves love and respect.

I will leave you with something I heard Deepak Chopra say...

"I will allow you to be who you are, I just won't want to have anything to do with it."

PEACE